A Forever Uneaten Sandwich
by axelDANGERfrankenstein
Summary: One-shot where Shizuo, who is Drizzt's nanny, suddenly realizes how little sense this makes.


_He was working as a debt collector in Ikebukoro_

_til his boyfriend kicked him out in one of those crushing scenes_

_What was he to do? Where was he to go? He was out on his fannyyyy_

_So over the bridge from 'bukoro, to the Do'Urden's door_

_He was there to sell cock rings, but the mother saw more_

_He had style, he had flair, he was there_

_that's how he became The Nannyyyyy_

_Who would've guessed that the guy we described_

_Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed?_

_Now the mother finds him beguiling (watch out, Zaknafein!)_

_And the kids haven't sacrificed him yet (such whatever those words are)_

_He's the guy in a bartender outfit when everybody else is wearing taaaan_

_The flashy guy from Ikebukoro, the nanny named Shizu-chan! _

It was a dark and stifling day in the underground city Menzoberranzan, dwelling of the dark elves. Shizuo Heiwajima, nanny to the Do'Urden house, was making a sandwich. But not just any sandwich: it was...A PANINI! Having finished the creation of his delicious toasty lunch, he started for the dining room, but then stopped dead in his tracks, letting the sandwich fall to the ground in slow motion, for he had just been witness to a huge, fourth-wall-shattering epiphany.

_Don't the dwellers of the Underdark all have infrared vision that allows them to live here?_

_If I'm a human, wouldn't I be completely unable to find my way around down here, let alone do something like make a panini, without mortally wounding myself?_

_Don't the drow pretty much hate humans anyway?_

_Don't Forgotten Realms and Durarara take place in completely different universes?_

_What the hell am I doing in Menzoberranzan?_

_What does The Nanny have to do with __anything__?_

_Why was I going door to door selling cock rings?_

_In Menzoberranzan?_

_If I'm a fictional character, how can I be __aware_ _that I'm a fictional character?_

In his deep contemplation, Shizuo failed to take notice of his charge, young Drizzt Do'Urden, as he entered the kitchen. This was especially strange since Drizzt happened to be wearing a tutu and a large, foam cowboy hat that day. As Shizuo pondered over how he would even be able to see anything, and his own existence, Drizzt called his name and poked his face several times. When he still did not respond, young Drizzt took it upon himself to kick his unlikely, bow-tie wearing nanny square in the knackers.

This well placed knacker shot most certainly did the trick. As Shizu-chan lay on the ground in the fetal position, cradling his danglies, Drizzt bent down and retrieved the panini. "Why was this on the ground?"

"Why am I here?"

"What do you mean?"

"This doesn't make any sense. I'm supposed to be in real-world Japan, but I'm in this fantasy place, and I'm underground where I shouldn't even be able to see, and for some reason I'm your nanny."

Elsewhere, a man in a black van pressed a button and said, "He knows."

"The more I think about it, the less sense it makes. It's almost as though-"

He looked into the young drow's purple eyes, and was a bit surprised to find a look of profound understanding, as though everything about the universe was suddenly clicking into place. The elf finished his sentence for him.

"**-as though we're characters in a ridiculous fan fiction story!"**

At the moment, over a dozen black-clad, heavily armed soldiers stormed into the room, aiming large machine guns at the ultra-strong blonde in a bartender suit and the dark elf with a heart of gold that was inexplicably in a tutu and foam cowboy hat.

But now is the time to reveal the truly important details. Referring, of course, to the ingredients of the panini. First was Italian bread. Then, a few slices of turkey. Some onion, a couple olives, a little spinach, drizzle some mayonnaise on there, and it wouldn't be a panini if it wasn't toasted to perfection. This was the very makeup of the sandwich Shizuo would never get to eat.

Because that day, Shizuo and Drizzt stumbled onto the beginnings of a secret nobody was ever supposed to know. They both put up a good fight, to be sure. However, it still ended with both of them unconscious in a black van.

Drizzt was the first to come to. The first thing he noticed was that his hands and feet were bound. Next to him, Shizuo was beginning to stir. They were in a moving vehicle, but he couldn't see outside. He was sitting across from a middle aged man in a black suit, who was staring at them both intently. "So...you puzzled it out, did you?" "Puzzled...?" "For centuries, our order has strove to keep it a secret. But there were a handful, who, like yourselves, became self-aware." "Self aware? Then we are in a fanfiction story? But how?" He produced a bottle seemingly from out of nowhere. "Have a drink, boys. What I'm about to tell you will completely blow your minds. Now that you've come this far, there are but two choices: join us, or disappear."


End file.
